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Sometimes you just need to stop

Sometimes you just need to stop

You feel it brewing under your skin, something’s not the same. Your pores seem wider, your hair seems wilder in a way you can’t explain. There’s a shift in the air, in the way you stand, something doesn’t feel right. You go day to day without saying a thing, you say it’s something you’ll fight.

Sometimes you just need to stop.

You scare yourself when you feel a bold aggression trace through your veins. You’re rather timid. On the streets you’re mild, but it feels like something’s changed. When a man on the street whistles and claps you hold your stride as you pass, but for the first time instead of rolling your eyes you feel your fist tighten and grasp.

Sometimes you just need to stop.

That last guy you kissed won’t leave your mind. He had no problem leaving your life. You call yourself a stupid girl. Did you think you’d be his wife? But the wear and tear of the shape of his face cuts deeper than one can see. You can’t stop replaying the times he was saying “Hey, I think you’re perfect for me.”

Sometimes you just need to stop.

The moments you miss might be passing you by, but at least you’ll remember them well. They’re plastered on every screen and device, a new meaning to show and tell. The people you hate are giving you love, tell me, do you feel adored? Do the hearts on your photo matter as much as your nights that you lived before?

Sometimes you just need to stop.

You’ve always been the one to mend, to stitch, to fix, to sew. But how can you learn to love yourself when you don’t have time to grow? You know how to fix the life of another but what about your own? You never thought you’d break but you’ve been broken: now it shows.

Sometimes you just need to stop.

Because you’ve left the shower running and you couldn’t make class on time. You may not keep with perfect rhythm but at least you can make it rhyme. Because you’ve forgotten to keep your pace, you’ve forgotten to tie your shoes. Your mind feels foggy, your thoughts are racing. There’s nothing you can do. You don’t know how to come back down from this sudden reveal of aggression. And you try and try but you seem to climb away from recognition. All your friends are saying, “It’s ok. We stress sometimes.” But you know in your heart this is not just the start of some midterms study time.

Sometimes you just need to stop.

So I pack my things and get on a flight. I’m on my way back home. I’m going to take some time to clear my mind, not fix myself alone. I step back from the city, the horns and the lights and go back to a place I don’t have to fight mice. I know I’ll come back someday maybe in years or in just a few nights.

And somewhere along the way, I’ll find peace. If I’m certain in something it’s that. I’ll cut all my ties to speaking in time and craft something honest instead. It’s okay to write things that don’t rhyme. It’s okay to let it fall flat. It’s something I’m learning, I hope I’m deserving, in shaping the space in my head. It’s been four years since I really hit pause, since a summer vacation or time without yawns. So I’ll grab a blanket, a hair tie and tea, curl up and create something that’s me. I’m thinking fiction, a thriller or two. Or maybe I’ll share more of this story with you.

And whatever path I take, I’ll be just fine. Because I listened to myself this time.

Sometimes you just need to stop.

Another love letter to New York

Another love letter to New York

In The City

In The City